This week I had to go to the doctor. While this is not an unusual event during this high risk, heavily monitored pregnancy, this was not an appointment I scheduled until Monday, and I scheduled it because I was having a problem.
(In the interest of any who may read and be concerned, I’ll let you know it was just a UTI. Fairly common issue in pregnancy, not concerning if caught early and Barrett and I are just fine!)
Maybe it was because it was unscheduled? Maybe because it was the first appointment I went to without my husband? Whatever the reason, my mind went there.
As I drove to the appointment, I thought about what I would do if I had to be admitted. I started making a mental list of people I would need to call; Jeff, my Mom, my boss. I would need someone to bring me a change of clothes, my toothbrush, my phone charger. Someone would have to turn off the crockpot. I would need help taking care of the dogs. How long would I have to stay in the hospital?
When the doctor came in and confirmed what I already suspected was going on, I asked him to let me hear Barrett’s heartbeat. Which took forever and I mean forever to find. And my mind went there again. No heartbeat. Will they try another doppler? And then bring in the ultrasound machine? And then another and another to make sure it wasn’t the machine like they did with Madison?
And then after what felt like a lifetime, I heard that beautiful sound and everything was ok. Reeves and I went to Panera, picked up my prescription, came home and had a picnic.
This is what pregnancy after loss looks like ya’ll. A panic attack and a picnic. I think there will be moments like this throughout, especially as the weeks move along. It’s a ride I prayed to be on and I am so grateful for, but it sure has its ups and downs….