I remember right after they told me they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was 34 weeks pregnant. I was devastated. I decided right then and there I was done having children. I would not try to get pregnant again, and if we decided more children were in our future, we would adopt.
Later, as I lay there waiting for the heartbreaking labor to begin, I decided we would try again. In the quiet of that early morning, I decided I would get pregnant as soon as I possibly could and that this would not be the end of our journey to have children and grow our family.
That’s what TTC after a loss feels like. It’s a pendulum back and forth. From anger, to hope, to fear, and back again.
Last year at this time, I didn’t even know what TTC meant (it’s Trying To Conceive in case you didn’t know or hadn’t googled it already!). I was not so naive to think that people didn’t struggle to conceive, it was just not my reality.
Then just like that it was my reality. Once we were given the green light to try again, it didn’t happen for us right away; and each month that it didn’t there was a mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness that it wasn’t our time. Relief that I didn’t have to face my fears head on just yet. I also found myself googling to see how long it took other couples that had lost babies.
We are blessed to have completed our TTC journey and are expecting our third child in February 2017. The day we found out we were expecting, the joy overshadowed the fear. It is my prayer that if you are on this road today, that you remain filled with hope while acknowledging your fear. Be kind and patient with yourself.
With light and love,