This is hard to write about, it’s hard just to think about it. What I want to say to you today has been heavy on my heart since I lost you, and even more so since getting pregnant again.
What if I wasted the days I had with you?
When I got pregnant with you, the thought never crossed my mind that our time together was limited. It never occurred to me that I had a set number of days to spend with you and that I needed to enjoy and appreciate every single one. While I spent every second of our time absolutely in love with the child growing inside of me, I also spent a lot of that time doing other things.
Being afraid. After your brother arrived in such dramatic fashion 5 weeks early, I felt nervous throughout my pregnancy with you. Every weird kick, every contraction that felt a little too strong was terrifying.
Being uncomfortable. I was hot. You kicked a lot. I didn’t have a lot of energy. I had indigestion constantly.
Just not feeling good. And that made for a lot of complaining and counting days until you were due.
Knowing now what I wish I’d known then, I would have put aside all those feelings and tried to enjoy the precious few days I had with you more than I did. I would have laughed more, prayed more, kept my thoughts away from your birth and focused more on the present moments I had with you.
I was so focused on the “after” that I only have two photos from when I was pregnant with you. Two.
It’s hard to think about. What if I wasted the days I had with you?
I am fortunate to have the opportunity to be pregnant and present again. I am fortunate that my relationship with you continues to deepen and grow even though you are not physically here with me.
But I do still feel sadness for the days that have gone by. I suppose I always will.
Until next time sweet girl – I love and miss you always,