I hit a milestone, ya’ll. I got my haircut.
Ordinarily, this would be a pretty normal event, I do get my hair cut a few times a year after all. The reason this was a big deal to me, is because I have never made it to that “last” haircut before birth with either of my pregnancies. With Reeves, I went into labor 5 1/2 weeks early. With Madison, she was born still at 34 weeks. In both cases, I had appointments scheduled that were subsequently canceled.
It was hard to schedule the appointment this time. It felt like I was summoning in a bad omen. The anxiety I felt in the days leading up to the appointment was real. As I sit here with my freshly cut hair, I still feel like I achieved something really big.
Such is pregnancy for the mamas who have had a loss or a baby that arrived too soon.
These mamas don’t know what it’s like to wake up and wonder if today is “the” day. They don’t know what week 39 or 40 (or 41!) feel like. They have never googled ways to start labor.
They don’t know what it’s like to drive to the hospital or birth center with excitement. Their rides were likely filled with fear and silence.
Many of them don’t know what it feels like to hold their babies right away, or even in the first few days of their little lives.
Many of these mamas blame themselves or their bodies.
These mamas know what it’s like to bring their babies home, but not completely leave their fear behind.
For every pregnancy these mamas have for the rest of their lives, they will question every strange pain and sensation. They will worry as they approach the week they delivered their early baby or said goodbye to a baby born still. Every event big or small, feels like a milestone when for most moms, it’s just a part of their last preparations before baby arrives.
It may be just a haircut, but it felt like more than that to me.