It was October when we met and said goodbye to Madison. The official kickoff to the holiday season; beginning of course with Halloween. Reeves was 3 and just beginning to understand the concept of dressing up, carving pumpkins and (of course) all the candy.
We were maybe 14 days out when we woke up on a Sunday morning and decided to embark on one of those time honored Halloween traditions – a trip to the patch to pick out the perfect pumpkin. Maybe a little apple cider, perhaps a hay ride. It sounded easy breezy. It was not.
Within minutes of getting out of the truck, I knew we had made a big mistake.
Everywhere I looked was either a newborn baby girl dressed in the perfect colors of fall complete with orange and black bow. They were in carriers, strollers or the arms of the ecstatic parents. When I didn’t see the haunting reminder of the little girl I didn’t have in my arms, I saw glowing smiles of beautiful pregnant mamas to be. It felt like every woman I saw either had a baby or was expecting one.
Tears flowed, a below average pumpkin was selected and we got the hell out of there as quickly as my husband could get us back to the safety of my home. It was a while before I did anything like that again and to be honest, we bought our pumpkin at a nursery this year because one year later I am still not ready to go back to the patch.
I tell you all this as a reminder to be kind to yourself no matter what stage of this journey you are on. We should not have gone there that day, I know that now. These days are so fragile, and showing yourself some grace without judgement no matter what holiday or event happens to be on the calendar, is the best advice I can give.
With love and light,