You Have Been On My Mind

You have been on my mind. I wasn’t sure what to expect after having your brother.  How would I feel when I thought of you? Would I think of you less often with the hectic pace of adding a newborn to our family? Would I miss you, Madison, in the same way, or would you begin to fade from my memory a bit?

I have actually found myself thinking of you even more now that Barrett is here, but in surprising ways. I would have thought I would imagine you at your age, welcoming a baby brother into our family and navigating your transition to the “middle” child. Instead, I find myself thinking of you at his stage of life and wondering what this experience would have been like with you.

What would it be like to nurse you? Would you be as enthusiastic as your brother?

When you cry, would you let out a wail and then stick out your bottom lip? (both your brothers nailed that trick from a VERY early stage…).

What would it be like to watch you sleep? I long to see a sleepy baby smile come across your face.

Would a walk around the house do just the trick to soothe you or would it take a drive to nowhere like it did for your brother Reeves?

What is even stranger, these thoughts don’t make me sad. In the still quiet of middle of the night feedings, when I think of you the most, they wrap themselves around me like a warm blanket. I feel comfort that I think of you. Getting to daydream about things that we did not get to experience is an unexpected gift and something I never allowed myself to do before now.

Love and miss you always baby girl,




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