When You Can’t Decide If You’re Done

When I was pregnant with Barrett, I knew I wanted to try again to have another baby after him if all went well with the pregnancy and delivery. Jeff and I talked about it and we decided not to decide until after we got to the other side of this one.

Ever since then, I have been waiting on a sign.

Many of my friends told me about this feeling they had after delivering their last baby. That feeling that their family was “whole” now and they knew they wouldn’t have another. I did not expect to feel that way because my family is not, nor will it ever be truly complete here on earth. But, I can’t decide if we are done.

I also don’t feel sure that I want to have another baby. Not because I don’t adore having a newborn and all that goes along with it, but because the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy were really difficult. The weight of the worry and the fear that something could go wrong were beyond what I even realized until after Barrett was safely here. And I don’t know that if we decide to have another baby, if Jeff and I can go through that again.

I also really want a girl to be a Mom to here on earth. I love my boys more than anything, but I long for a little girl to play princesses with and dress up in a Clemson cheerleading outfit. I feel robbed of that opportunity and I really want that chance.

Oh and spoiler alert, I am turning 40 in a little under 8 months. I was already considered high risk and advanced maternal age. The risks of something going wrong just increase the older I get.

This week I think I have gone back and forth a dozen times. I had my 6 week OB visit and on the way there, thought about how great it had been not to be back and forth to the doctor twice a week. Then as soon as I got in that waiting room and saw all the pregnant ladies, I went right back to the other side.

It’s very strange having a baby and not knowing in your heart or head if you are done having babies. As I put away the newborn clothes Barrett has already outgrown, I didn’t know if I should store them away for next time or get them ready to donate. I wonder if this is the last time I will stare into the eyes of a sweet newborn in the middle of the night. It is making me soak up every moment even more, but “is this the last time” is occupying a lot of my thoughts.

For now, we enjoy every second, and we wait and we pray for the answer to reveal itself.

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