My Daughter Was Born Still So I Cannot Be

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It’s been 9 months today since you were born asleep. I can hardly believe it’s been that long. It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.

This is a difficult milestone for me because you have now been gone longer than you were with me. My heart is heavy at the thought of that.

I miss you so much some days I can barely breathe. I try to imagine what you would be like at this age. Summer dresses and big bows. Would you love the peaches we are just starting to buy at the Farmer’s Market? What would you think of your (almost!) four year old brother and this new crazy puppy we brought home last week?

So many days I feel like staying in bed and escaping to sleep where I don’t feel as much. But I don’t. I can’t. You were born still so I cannot be. I have to continue to build and grow Madison’s Closet so that your legacy is never forgotten. I have to continue to love and laugh and live with your brother and Daddy in the way I know you would if you were here. I have to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy — even the parts that are filled with fear (and nausea!).

You will forgive me if just for today, I spend a little more time being quiet and still. I promise tomorrow I will be right back at it, but today I just want to stay close to your memory.

I love and miss you so much baby girl,

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